Madali ka ma-disappoint (You're easily disappointed)

That's what my friend told me today when I was venting about how another friend's prospective job might not pull through. I took offence for a while, kept to myself, pondered about what she said. I felt a bit slighted but my friend and I have been through a lot so I chose to act “normal”. This is what Bo Sanchez recommended when there has been a misunderstanding and you just want things to be as normal as possible. Act normal and feel later and sooner or later your feelings will follow your actions.

I was simply venting and I just wanted to be heard. I didn't really expect a chastisement or scolding as such. But she did have a point. After she said that line, she added: Trust in God and you will not be disappointed. Know that He has better plans.

Yes, I know that in my head and in my heart. It was just in that moment in time, I doubted. I doubted like Peter. I doubted like Thomas. When has God ever let me or my loved ones down? I don't recall any real let-down. The answer has always been clear: Yes, No, Not now. Sometimes, I choose to see between the lines. Well, so much for looking between the lines. What is in between is the fact that God is so good, He or She (International Women's Day is soon here :)), knows what we already need before opening our mouths and He or She will give it if it is what is best for us. Nothing less and sometimes surprisingly more.

As I reflected today with the help of OPM (Original Pilipino Music) and the concentration to work like my life depended on it got me smiling. I became very happy and my feelings of hurt turned into love. Love for my friend whom I know said that because she wanted me to be appeased that God will never let me down. Love for the people that dare to show love. Love for the people that appreciate the little things I do. Love, love, love. The love of God that is all around to feel and to share.

So, my not so disappointed self started smiling – at everything. I might have looked a bit crazy to some people. But I appreciated as I always do the little things – a smile, a plant, two friends talking, people helping and showing random acts of kindness. I smiled at the collection of photos of the people at work in our organization. I smiled as I walked home. I smiled at the air that was going through my body.

Thank you Lord for giving me my friend who reminded me that I should never be disappointed with you or what life has laid down before me. You have better plans – plans for a future full of hope. The verse of Jeremiah 29:11 is forever etched into my heart.

I leave it at the foot of the Cross. We will soon be welcoming you into Jerusalem with palms only to crucify you a few days later.

Look not on our sins but on the faith of your Church – that's what we say at Sunday mass. Yes, Lord, look not at our inability to fathom your plans and the errors we make. Look at our faithfulness and the hope that we put in You because only You know the plans for our lives.

This Lent, may we never be disappointed by the experiences and challenges that come our way. May we welcome them as a sign of your unfailing love and your trust in us.

Jesus I trust in You.

***

Psst ...

It's almost 3 a.m. and I was on my way to sleep when suddenly, I got called. I started my night prayers and I prayed that I would get to sleep. After a few minutes, I still couldn't fall asleep. My body was surely ready for sleep but my mind wasn't. Then like Samuel I said "Speak, Lord, I'm listening." I kept listening. I even asked: Do you really want me to write, right now? So I tried sleeping again and too many thoughts were raising through my mind.

So, I am taking to my virtual pen and paper and writing my thoughts.

Some of my pondering went to something that happened earlier. Someone had asked me, how did I know God was calling me to serve. If you'd asked me when I was younger, I would say, I just felt it. If you asked me now, I would say, I heeded the call.

I think we are called in one way or another to do something for His glory. Sometimes, the call gets drowned in the world and most of the time, in our own thoughts. We mistake His voice for ours and dismiss it. But maybe that's why along with our thoughts, we feel stirrings, a certain tug at our hearts. Like somehow, we are being pulled to do something. An internal compass if you'd like.

That's how I know I'm being called. Like right now, I was on my way to sleep when I felt this urge to write. Why would I want to write at 3 in the morning? I would rather sleep. But I felt that I had to write, write down the thoughts that were whirring in my head.

So, I am.

Earlier today, someone said that a way to be closer to God is to be in His presence. What that means to you or me may be different. But it definitely struck me. My life is as busy as most people. It becomes difficult to hear God's voice. God exists everywhere and He communicates to us through any medium - be it nature, a friend, a talk or even a stranger. Heeding the call is another thing.

In that busy-ness we are almost always physically exhausted, yet something seems to be still missing. Do we undertake more responsibilities? Ask God, what is it?

Speak, Lord, I am listening.

I had been off work for a week. I had tendonitis in my right arm. It was the worst thing that could happen to me because I was right-handed and I liked working with my hand.

Then I said: Thank you, God. Thank you for letting this happen so I can be with you. It's not everyday that you get to have a full day with God. It was like a God holiday or what my brother aptly coined: Staycation. It was like a vacation because you had to stay.

My injury also left me very vulnerable. Like most people when they are sick, you imagine the worst. And you feel pity for yourself. It was a test of mortality. We are only here for as long as our body holds up. For a 32-year-old, it is scary. But even then, at least I made it to 32.

I couldn't do most of the things that I could if my hand could function. I couldn't even type. Writing this is even a challenge in itself. Yet, for as long as I can do it, I will. A day may come when I will not be able to write and shame on me for not capitalizing on my ability to do so now.

I still feel quite fragile. Earlier today, I had stomach cramps. It seemed to be emanating from my navel. It scared me a little. But I hope it was just a part of the many nerves affected by my tendonitis.

I am no longer a spring chicken. That I know.

And I don't know if God is telling me to take better care of my body or to do what I can now while I can rather than to wait later when time may not be on my side.

So, it's 3 a.m. and I think my ramblings should come to an end.

Yes, Lord, I heard you ... I hope you call again.