big cup of crazy or devil incarnate?

on life's journey, you meet some odd people, some odder than others, some are not just odd but just plain crazy ... i chatted recently with an SFC brother about a woman i met who claimed to be the Holy Spirit ... see the conversation below ...

10:09 PM me: hi shaun ... are you busy

pls pray for me

i don't know if i just had an oppression of sorts

Shaun: hey there..

10:10 PM whats up PA?

me: i just met someone who claimed to be the holy spirit

i thought what a big cup of crazy

i kept on repeating it in my head

coz she was speaking in scripture lsanguage but it was distorted

Shaun: where was this?

10:11 PM me: here in geneva after church

she was introduced by a common friend

who i think was skeptical of her too

Shaun: a vision, dream, apparition? walking..or sleeping?

oh..

me: i was talking to her

that's why i said ... either big cup of crazy or the devil himself

10:12 PM Shaun: she said she was the H.S?

what did she talk about?

me: she said she was the annointed one

10:13 PM yes ... she said she was the HS personified

and i said a silent prayer for her and me while we were talking

i kept repeating what a big cup of crazy and that for her to be healed if her crazy talk was borne out of some kind of traumatic experience

10:15 PM Shaun: how did your friend meet her?

me: i asked her and they said that they met in 2000

and she claimed that they were friends (this was the crazy lady) because God had wanted her friend to accommodate her when she came to switzerland because she was doing His work

10:16 PM i felt so sorry for her

she was speaking logically at times then sometimes she was just ranting

Shaun: wow... that is strange..

me: yes ... that's why i need your prayers

Shaun: most definately..

me: the prayer that we pray after a prayover

Shaun: i have never heard of that before..

me: to wash away all that i heard

Shaun: the personification of the H.S

me: yes ... it was bizaare

10:17 PM and i am glad that God gave me strength to not laugh or to just feel for her

10:18 PM Shaun: ya..cause its also kinda scary..at last for me to hear this...

I will continue prayers tonight for this person, your friend and you..

did she give any other name? ID?

me: thanks shaun

Shaun: i mean she is travelling..so she has to be using something...

10:19 PM me: grabeh ... i think you wouldn't have laughed either because she was so serious

what do you mean "using something"?

Shaun: some form of ID to travel with..

10:20 PM what do ou mean by distored srciptual language?

me: she could quote the Bible

perfectly verses and all

but like literal interpretations

10:21 PM she believes that it's her work to call the 144000 people that were supposedly saved in revelation

10:22 PM Shaun: now that wierd, cause i didnt think that was a task of the H.S, but of an archangel.. not that i know a lot of How God's kingdom works.. but the H.S has always been the true being manifested in the eternal Love of Father a d Son, a Love so real its a person..

hmmmm...

well.. lets pray for her and your safety..

what ever it is..

me: yes ... thanks shaun

Shaun: if there is truth to be told, May God grant the wisdom of the spritual truth and the knowledge of the worldy truth upon us all

10:23 PM me: worldly truth .. she used that word a lot

she used wisdom too

she said that GOd had given her wisdom and knowledge

Shaun: well, being gifts of the H.S I imagine she would mention most of them ..

me: and that it was a burden for her

10:24 PM Shaun: there's an issue right there.. for the burden would never be laid upon the Love of the Lord..

gifts from God are always good and desirable..

me: sigh ...

10:25 PM she contradicted herself

she said that she was some sort of hero

and she didn't want to die

and because she was doing God's work

Shaun: but death only exists here on earth..

me: it was okay

Shaun: so weird.. PA.. wow.. i praise God that he gave you courage for that

10:26 PM me: she said that there would be a big earthquake in california and that she could see the four corners of teh earth

yes .. me too ... i'm glad that i wasn't enveloped in the twisted package of the devil's work

or whatever it is

Shaun: so she was referring to revalation type events..

10:27 PM me: she referred to the old and new testaments

she said she had done what was written and not had followed what was written

Shaun: hmm.. well. i need to get goign to pick up one of the sfc sisters from her work and take her home.. but we'll pray for you.. and i'll talk with you more later.. May God also grant you rest and calm the child within, so that you may rest easy

me: that in reading the bible she first had to have done those deeds and that she was personified in its pages

10:28 PM Shaun: whoa..hmmm

me: thanks shaun

Shaun: no problem.. I'm here for you if you need anythig else PA.. God Bless

i'll sign on later .. we can chat if its not late for you..

10:29 PM me: ok thanks

Shaun: cya later.. be safe

10:30 PM me: yup

talking talking to donna now

will ask for her prayers too ... you just tell her the details if she ask

s

Shaun: ok..i'm calling her later to discuss..

God Bless

me: God bless too

big cup of crazy or devil incarnate?

on life's journey, you mean some odd people, some odder than others, some are just not odd but maybe plainly just crazy ... i chatted recently with an SFC brother about a woman i met who claimed to be the Holy Spirit ... see the conversation below ...

10:09 PM me: hi shaun ... are you busy

pls pray for me

i don't know if i just had an oppression of sorts

Shaun: hey there..

10:10 PM whats up PA?

me: i just met someone who claimed to be the holy spirit

i thought what a big cup of crazy

i kept on repeating it in my head

coz she was speaking in scripture lsanguage but it was distorted

Shaun: where was this?

10:11 PM me: here in geneva after church

she was introduced by a common friend

who i think was skeptical of her too

Shaun: a vision, dream, apparition? walking..or sleeping?

oh..

me: i was talking to her

that's why i said ... either big cup of crazy or the devil himself

10:12 PM Shaun: she said she was the H.S?

what did she talk about?

me: she said she was the annointed one

10:13 PM yes ... she said she was the HS personified

and i said a silent prayer for her and me while we were talking

i kept repeating what a big cup of crazy and that for her to be healed if her crazy talk was borne out of some kind of traumatic experience

10:15 PM Shaun: how did your friend meet her?

me: i asked her and they said that they met in 2000

and she claimed that they were friends (this was the crazy lady) because God had wanted her friend to accommodate her when she came to switzerland because she was doing His work

10:16 PM i felt so sorry for her

she was speaking logically at times then sometimes she was just ranting

Shaun: wow... that is strange..

me: yes ... that's why i need your prayers

Shaun: most definately..

me: the prayer that we pray after a prayover

Shaun: i have never heard of that before..

me: to wash away all that i heard

Shaun: the personification of the H.S

me: yes ... it was bizaare

10:17 PM and i am glad that God gave me strength to not laugh or to just feel for her

10:18 PM Shaun: ya..cause its also kinda scary..at last for me to hear this...

I will continue prayers tonight for this person, your friend and you..

did she give any other name? ID?

me: thanks shaun

Shaun: i mean she is travelling..so she has to be using something...

10:19 PM me: grabeh ... i think you wouldn't have laughed either because she was so serious

what do you mean "using something"?

Shaun: some form of ID to travel with..

10:20 PM what do ou mean by distored srciptual language?

me: she could quote the Bible

perfectly verses and all

but like literal interpretations

10:21 PM she believes that it's her work to call the 144000 people that were supposedly saved in revelation

10:22 PM Shaun: now that wierd, cause i didnt think that was a task of the H.S, but of an archangel.. not that i know a lot of How God's kingdom works.. but the H.S has always been the true being manifested in the eternal Love of Father a d Son, a Love so real its a person..

hmmmm...

well.. lets pray for her and your safety..

what ever it is..

me: yes ... thanks shaun

Shaun: if there is truth to be told, May God grant the wisdom of the spritual truth and the knowledge of the worldy truth upon us all

10:23 PM me: worldly truth .. she used that word a lot

she used wisdom too

she said that GOd had given her wisdom and knowledge

Shaun: well, being gifts of the H.S I imagine she would mention most of them ..

me: and that it was a burden for her

10:24 PM Shaun: there's an issue right there.. for the burden would never be laid upon the Love of the Lord..

gifts from God are always good and desirable..

me: sigh ...

10:25 PM she contradicted herself

she said that she was some sort of hero

and she didn't want to die

and because she was doing God's work

Shaun: but death only exists here on earth..

me: it was okay

Shaun: so weird.. PA.. wow.. i praise God that he gave you courage for that

10:26 PM me: she said that there would be a big earthquake in california and that she could see the four corners of teh earth

yes .. me too ... i'm glad that i wasn't enveloped in the twisted package of the devil's work

or whatever it is

Shaun: so she was referring to revalation type events..

10:27 PM me: she referred to the old and new testaments

she said she had done what was written and not had followed what was written

Shaun: hmm.. well. i need to get goign to pick up one of the sfc sisters from her work and take her home.. but we'll pray for you.. and i'll talk with you more later.. May God also grant you rest and calm the child within, so that you may rest easy

me: that in reading the bible she first had to have done those deeds and that she was personified in its pages

10:28 PM Shaun: whoa..hmmm

me: thanks shaun

Shaun: no problem.. I'm here for you if you need anythig else PA.. God Bless

i'll sign on later .. we can chat if its not late for you..

10:29 PM me: ok thanks

Shaun: cya later.. be safe

10:30 PM me: yup

talking talking to donna now

will ask for her prayers too ... you just tell her the details if she ask

s

Shaun: ok..i'm calling her later to discuss..

God Bless

me: God bless too

Going home ...

It's been nine (9) months since my last trip to Manila. It all seems like a blur. I have to store up enough leave so that I could stay a month or two.

I'm going home this year so that my family and I could finally celebrate the advent season together. It's been three years since our last Christmas together. I think this is nothing compared to the many OFWs that are abroad and are undocumented who haven't seen their families for decades for any occasion. I feel sad for them. I feel the longing but I know it's nothing compared to raising a child over the telephone.

Two years ago, I met a lady who left the Philippine Government service in search of a better opportunity abroad. She was well-educated but now she cleans houses. Recently, I saw her with a man. I know she's married but the guy had his arm around her. I thought, what's happening here? Like many OFWs who are undocumented, loneliness gets the best of them. They start "living in" with someone in a sort of acceptable marital infidelity. Everybody does it, why can't I? I love my spouse but I'm lonely are some of the excuses.

I cannot condemn this as being a single person, even I feel this loneliness abroad. Who am I to judge them? But it is a reality ...

As I go home this year even at extreme costs and for a limited period, I will try to make the most of it to honour all of those who can't come home to see their families and friends.

I honour those parents that are able to raise good children despite the distance. It takes a lot dedication to keep watch from so far away and what ultimate sacrifice is there for a parent to leave a child for that same child's future? Going home is sacrificed for a better tomorrow.

I just hope that it was all worth it. The social costs of migration has become so big that we are looking at an exponential number of broken families in the Philippines.

Mirrors of happiness

(originally drafted on 3/6/07 ... completed only today)

After two years of not going home to the Philippines, I was ecstatic to be back home. It was a cherished 13 days in dear old Manila with the hustle and bustle of city life and where meeting friends randomly becomes second nature.

I came home on February 14 to catch the best night of the UP Fair. True enough, ...

****

This has been embargoed for over eight months due to extreme busyness.

****

... it was the best night to be at UP.

It was like looking into the mirrors of the past to see the happiness that I so cherished when I was in UP. All those years of hard work but it's not just that. It's also the endless hours I spent in the tambayan (hangout) to wait for my classes and to exchange random thoughts with other UPians.

It was a place that left an impression in your heart and whenever you look in the mirror you see the product of that experience.

Coming so many years after my first year in UP (I've come back before), this was the only time I felt a bit detached. For one, I didn't know so many people. My batchmates were all on scholarships in Japan or elsewhere and I would be coming to UP to see UP and not to see my friends.

Gazing at the looking-glass of time, the outlines of the people are a bit blurry not as sharp as before but there is still the same feeling of home and excitement looking at it.

In life, we often look at our mirrors of happiness but instead of seeing the happy times, we look at the blurs. We lose sight of what the glory days held for us. We look at the advancing time and seek to recreate that time when we were at our prime.

To be stuck in that place would be tantamount to being stagnant. For people to move forward, we need to look at our mirrors of happiness as benchmarks and not as chain balls. It's what pushes us. It is what drives us to go to the future.

As I get older, it's easier to be caught in nostalgic moments. Looking at myself in the mirror, I want to see my former self. But would I be the way I am now if not for my former "glory days". No one can steal them from me. Not even the mirror of time.

So, I look at my mirrors of happiness and see the good old days. I try to look without bitterness or regret but only of nostalgia and of the hope that maybe, that same mirror will reflect today's reality.

Social consumable

There are some days that you just feel like you can't be around people or perhaps you're not in your element so you don't want to see people or let people see you in that state. But because you've been in the light too much to withdraw from it might mean unpleasantries from other people.

I've been thinking about how my mom has become a social consumable. She's one of those people that everybody wants to get a hold of. She's in a position to help but not only that, she's just plainly a nice person to talk to or be with.

But to what extent should we become social consumables that we lose ourselves?

I was exchanging emails with a fellow correspondent. She said she was tired of doing so many reports although she likes it because the Filipino community around her has expected it from her and she has won their trust and she feels obligated to report on their events.

I told her that I used to be like that too. But I remember what my old priest said: "Trying to please everyone is the beginning of madness." It holds true for many of us who are people pleasers that we compromise our integrity for the sake of keeping the status quo or to avoid argument or confrontation and in the end we lose ourselves and our minds by plaguing ourselves with thoughts of "he said/she said". God forbid somebody should say something negative about us! It will literally drive you crazy to care what other people would or could say.

What about Jesus? He is the epitome of a non-pleaser but at the same time a social consumable. If it weren't for his mother he would have never performed that miracle simply because His time hadn't come. But he succumbed to maternal pressure. But He wasn't a crowd favorite among the Pharisees or Sadducees. They killed him for teaching love outside the Jewish template. He ate during fasting season and he challenged the status quo.

Where do we stop trying to please other people so that they will learn to love us for who we are and not for what they want us to be?

How do we become a social consumable who somebody will pay a high price to consume knowing that this one is unique and not the run-of-the-mill Joe or Jane? It's by being who we are and being proud of what we're capable of and acknowledging that we can't please everyone. It's not an excuse to be a social b**** but to know that each one if they dig hard enough can carve their own little niches in this world.

Do you have a "consume by" date?

UP Naming Mahal

Getting into the University of the Philippines (UP) was almost a fluke for me. I was running around applying to other schools and didn't know that I had been accepted on the pending list of UP. I almost went to another school! It would have never been the same. At UP, I found my lifelong friends. I found my roots. I found myself and I wrote till it hurt. It was the only school that I stayed in long enough to finish. It was literally the melting pot of your red activists, your braniacs, the most beautiful women, the not so beautiful men (sorry), and greatest of all, it was where we as students were taught that we are not divorced from society and that we should give back to our country.

I had been like that ever since my mom inculcated in us how the Government is sending us to school. This time, it was the people of the Philippines that was sending us to school.

There, I learned to be more "masa", more open to different points of view and more importantly, there I learned that if you try hard enough, you can really make it. On my first year, the dean of the college said, "It's not the smart ones that finish, it's the hard-working ones". I never classified myself in the "smart" category so I sweated blood to do my best. I could have been the average student in my mind. And thank God, I finished alright.

Through the years, a lot has changed at UP. The general education curriculum has been modified and a part of me disagrees because it doesn't mold us any more into the well-rounded UPians we are. Students can now pick and choose their classes. Something tells me that I wouldn't be able to relate to the products of the new system as I could relate to my peers and those older than me that were the product of the old system where we took, humanities, social sciences and P.I. 100 as prerequesites to other courses. We all had the same "shared experience".

One hundred years has passed and many things have changed. The demography is UP is slightly more monied, tuition is higher, parking space is a problem, etc.

For the 1998 centennial, UP has produced a new hymn. Here it is ...


UP naming mahal
Pamantasan ng bayan
Tinig ng masa
Ang siyang lagi nang pakikinggan

Malayong lupain
Di kailangang marating
Dito maglilingkod sa bayan natin
Dito maglilingkod sa bayan natin

Silangang mapula
Sagisag magpakailanman
Ating ipaglaban
Laya ng diwa't kaisipan

Humayo't itanghal
Giting, tapang at dangal
Mabuhay ang lingkod ng taong bayan
Mabuhay ang lingkod ng taong bayan!

Resting on my itsy bitsy laurels

It's not everyday that one could get a compliment at work. If you didn't get any it meant that you were at least doing the job properly. The horror would be if you got a call from the boss - the conclusion would always be: What did I do wrong???

But today, after all the drama of my personal life, a translator came into my office and told me I did a good job with his Conference on Disarmament documents and for taking the time to look up all the names of the ambassadors who spoke at the Conference. I did it automatically because I knew the job was going to come back to us after he made his edits and we would retype the names anyway. But this extra effort I put would be unnoticed or at least not verbally appreciated. So, I feel good that for the rarest of moments, I receive a compliment.

I used to live on compliments but reality told me that one couldn't function like that. If there were none, it's like running on an empty tank. We must be our own fuel and God should be enough to affirm us. As long as we know that we are working to the best of our abilities, it should be enough. But it always makes me feel good to receive a compliment.

Runaway brother

As if the leaving of my mom and brother were not dramatic enough, my brother decided to run away the morning of their departure.

He had been sulking since he found out they were about to go home. You could hardly talk to him let alone bring up the subject.

The past weeks he had drowned himself in his friends, in activies for the Youth for Christ, including a conference here in Geneva and a service trip to Italy for the European Kids Village. In the hope of lessening the pain of the departure, we hoped that all these activities would somehow cushion the news of imminent departure. We were wrong.

We knew he was angry and upset about leaving but we didn't know to what extent he would take it.

To better capture the drama, I will tell the story with a timeline:

6.00 Wake up call
7.00 Departure of Mama for the airport for early check-in
7.40 Shower time for me
8.00 Reminder for my brother to take a shower
8.20 Talked to my brother to help me with luggage - he leaves the house
8.25 Comes back because he forgot something and leaves again
8.30 Mama has checked in her luggage
8.33 Mama calls brother and doesn't say where he is
9.10 Boarding time, brother no where to be found, reported to airport police that brother is missing
9.20 Tells airport ground staff that brother is missing and luggage will be offloaded
9.25 Supposed ETD (estimated time of departure) - no sign of brother
9.30 Baggage offloaded/Mama comes out of arrivals with baggage
10.00 Homebound meanwhile friends were called to inform and watch out for brother
12.30 Search for him at the gare; while other friends check out the airport; non-stop phone calls on how people can help
13.15 Go to church to pray for brother
14.00 Brother is found! His friend's parents told him to come over
22.30 Meeting with brother after he's ready to talk
00.00 Finally sees brother and hugs him

I'm tempted to opt for the cliche "All's well that ends well" BUT this is the reality of diplomatic life or any life that involves moving your loved ones, children especially, when it comes to saying goodbye to established relationships in that place. It was too painful for my brother to leave. He had made his statement that he didn't want to go. It was evident. But staying here was not a choice as he needs parental guidance and male influence to give him a male role model. He can only get that in the Philippines.

I didn't get to talk to him and I thought it would be better that way as I am still beating myself up from the thought that when he wanted to talk I immediately shut him out knowing full well that he would plead his case to stay here. I am sorry for that. But I didn't want to be cornered by a bunch of youths pleading on behalf of my brother. It was not the place nor the time. The time had come on its own after my brother decided to be a prodigal brother/son. And I'm glad that I'll be enjoying my mother and brother's company for a few more days and hopefully, when the dust has settled they will be able to leave peacefully and without much delay this weekend.

It was perfect timing and the best catharsis that lessened the pain of departure on all of us. It seems like a deux ex machina in a film where God's hands really made the plot move.

I am thankful that he has returned and I hope to be more of a sister to him and listen to his problems.

Au revoir, maman

The true transient city of Geneva has become a reality for me. Mama is leaving in a few hours for good en route to the Philippines. But it's not really Geneva that makes her leave, it's her diplomatic life that brings her from country to country and after six years, she is recalled to serve at capital in Manila.

Like every posting, she rushes to pack and leaves everything for the last minute. It came from her and I've never really heard it straight from her: "Maybe I do this to cope"; so she doesn't have to deal with the emotional part of goodbyes. She likes to be so busy that she forgets or is too tired to feel.

Goodbyes are hard for any culture, in any land, for any person. I think it's one of those universal human truths that just comes to haunt you. Sometimes it's welcomed but when it's your loved ones, you hope that day never comes.

For me, for the first time in my life, I will truly be on my own, in a foreign country. I will be left with Tita Minda but it's not really the same as a full house with Mama just there. No matter how old I get, I always miss my mom.

This time, I'm trying not to cry. She's left many times before. It was the hardest time in my life when she left us in the Philippines with our relatives. She didn't come home for almost two years. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I made it though and by God's grace, she came home just in time.

As she leaves this place, many happy memories come to fore. I still remember when I first came to Geneva and she picked us up in the white Toyota van of the labour office from the airport. I still remember that smell of April spring and the joy I felt to be reunited with my mom who was just plucked out of war-torn Iraq. I said it was truly a beautiful place. All these beautiful places are tied up with my mom's presence. I will now create new ones with other people. It's difficult to be separated. But as she said, we all have our own lives to live. No matter how much we try to be together, we are bound to lead separate lives. She with her diplomatic postings, my work at the UN, my brother's love of French culture, my other brothers' love of staying in one place. And mother's benchmark for good parenting is that we can fly on our own. If she has raised us to be independent and can live without her then she's done a good job. With a benchmark like that, we're bound to really live apart.

I hope I get to home this Christmas so I can be with all of them. I will be a real OFW now sending home monthly. I wonder how it will be.

As Mama leaves, I hope that it will not be so bad and not too sad. And that even if we're miles apart, we will still be together in spirit.

bahay-bahayan

tita minda said "para lang tayong nagbabahay-bahayan". i didn't exactly know what she meant. when she explained it was like we were playing the kid's game when you pretend to put up a house and do chores and the things you do when you're in the house.

i never really thought about it. i guess it's also the first time that we've ever had such a small place - it's a studio with a separate kitchen and bathroom. the room is about 20 square metres. i'm not really sure. we put up an artificial wall thanks to the big cabinet that splits our room into hers and mine. of course, it's but all artificial. we share one light and the space is practically one. so, we can hear everything.

when we've lived in other places before like the "big house" in the philippines, yes, we lived in one room too squashed in to fit all of us but we also had the whole house to explore. we just slept in one room, that's all.

this time around, it's like a make believe house indeed with partitions made of cabinets and other things. but what is a house or any building without its occupants to make it a home. hopefully, we'll feel at home soon.

today, for the first time in a long time, i sat down in my room, fixed my things, read the newspaper and watched a movie. i think it's a good sign of a future that is more relaxed and cozy.

small spaces either brings people closer or drives them apart. i hope it will be the former.