Monday, January 23, 2006

i have become lazy to document my thoughts.

i have found the easy verbal discussions as an excuse to keep the intercourse between my pen and paper - a most awaited experience - on abated breath. they have missed each other, i should think.

in the lethargy of each day's routine tasks, thoughts masquerading themselves as deep and analytical have clouded my mind.

reality mixes with dream, with fantasy, with wants and needs. they are sometimes surreal and i wake up thinking, "did it really happen?" did i hear that strange trickle of water the other night and did jasmine really tell me there were ghosts in the house.

=00=

new year! 2006. no real achievements except a feeble attempt at getting from point A to point B using a motor vehicle, often called in lay man's term as driving. feeble indeed for fear clutches my heart when i hold the steering wheel. afraid of what? of hitting people, of hitting cars, of backing up while in hanging positions.

NO COURAGE. yet i say to my friends to take courage. am i a hypocrite? or do i want to have it myself? am i living on their courage?

where have i gone? where has this pen been? where have my thoughts and goals gone? i've become moss on stone. i have not rolled lately.

=00=

i think of being with someone, but in equal measure, i enjoy the complexity of my own mind. i don't need another to make it a jigsaw puzzle. "so what does this and that mean?" throwing myself in an endless guessing game of another's feelings, mind, insides.

=00=

i am shy yet aggressive - an irony in myself. a complex mix of myself. who will understand?

=00=

i write to echo these random thoughts. hiatus is ambiguous. restless yet no concrete actions.

i have become lazy and my thoughts whirl without being incarnated on paper. my stories die before they are born. stillborn ideas, a mental endometriosis.

5 comments:

goksfatha said...

me too i have become lazy to read this blog because i felt that it's too deep for me....but i respect the way you write and express yourself...it's like going up to the 2nd floor of a building....you can use the lift (elevator) which is faster but packed or you can use the stairs which is slower but you'll have your own pace and space plus the adventure....

JoNnABeBeH said...

hehe. praning ka na rin, ate pa? don't worry, i had my share of ka-praningan din these past few months. hindi ka nag-iisa. haha!

eniwei, yep, minsan, we feel strong because we have to be strong for other people. pero 'pag mag-isa na lang, minsan, we still feel that we are weak. sarap na lang iyakan minsan. ehehe. pero ganun naman talaga di ba? we must feel weak for us to muster courage. remember the dialectics? we wouldn't know that we have the strength kung hindi natin naramdaman ang pagiging mahina. pero yah, there may be times when we tend to live on other people's courage. 'di naman din tayo nabubuhay para lang sa sarili natin, di ba? we gather strength from other people's experience din. at kung nakaya nila, e 'di dapat kaya rin natin.ü

being with someone... hmm. alam mo na kung anong comment ko d'yan. hehe. pero, oo, minsan, you long for that someone na dumating. sabi nga, antay lang. darating rin 'yan.ü i don't really know how it feels to have a partner, pero siguro, di ba dapat, one should still keep his/her freedom and enjoy his/her being a separate individual kahit may partner na? one need not be caged even if he/she is already in a relationship. so i guess, antay lang talaga for us to finally meet that special someone who's willing to stay with us through the tough times but at the same time, knows how to let us feel our own sense of being.ü

hay... oh well. wala lang. parang dapat yata e sa email ko na lang sinend sa 'yo tong comment ko. haha! ang haba eh! baka ala nang ibang mag-comment!

nwei, i hope you finally get over that writer's block. hehe. i know you'll be able to think of something more to write. &;p

ingat lagi at good luck sa iyong driving lessons! &;p

goksfatha said...

jonnabebeh said..."one should still keep his/her freedom and enjoy his/her being a separate individual kahit may partner na? one need not be caged even if he/she is already in a relationship"....

this is a bold thought...she's right...take off the chain...not the leash....

goksfatha said...

all my apologies to the wanderer....FIEY.... the truth is i really just cant perceive the meaning of some words because i am just plain dumb...to comprehend some of the profound words....

p.a. said...

to goksfatha ... no harm done. :) you are not dumb. see you.