"LEARNING PAINS"

We must know mind-numbing, even heart-numbing pain, so we can know pleasure. This I have learned in the last few days. Life is full of dialectics – sorrow and joy, love and hate (some say, indifference), and many more…

We can only truly appreciate one knowing the existence and the true understanding of the other. And we can only know the joy of the other by experiencing the opposite.

But we must not wish to experience less or more of the other to fully appreciate it. One must experience the opposites, only to learn…

I watched “13 going on 30” the other day and the main character asked her mother, “If you could go back and change the biggest mistake of your life, what would you change?” The mother said, “Nothing…I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I don’t regret any of them…because if I haven’t made them, then I wouldn’t have learned how to make things right.”

Everything is part of learning and those who learn are better for it. This is especially true when you hurt people you love…intentionally and unintentionally. It is only when you realize that what you have done is wrong and you are truly sorry for it that you know the person’s worth in your life. And that you will do everything in your power never to commit the same act again, because you love that person so much and will never think of wishing or committing harm to him/her.

A friend said, "make the best of what you've got..." I add, "never take one for granted and take care of the one you love."

Some things happen for a reason…but sometimes we are too blind to see it. We beat ourselves up over our faults, but we never see the silver lining – WE HAVE NOW LEARNED AND HAS BEEN GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE TO NEVER COMMIT THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN. We can never bring back a word we say or an act we did. But we can only learn from these mistakes.

May we all learn despite the pain!

Philippines...my beloved

PA: hey Nicky, thanx for sharing the video clip with me. It was very nice. I really love the Phils. It sent chills up my spine just listening to it. It reminded me of my journey home...my journey of becoming a Filipino.

I was talking about the new tourism video clip promoting the Philippines.
http://www.tourism.gov.ph/media_source/byahetayo.wmv

I’d recommend it to all Filipinos out there. Be PROUD!!!

Mabuhay!!!

Tortured minds

Why do we put ourselves through hell thinking the unthinkables, complicating simple thoughts of “can’t do anything about its”?

Is it the repressions of past frustrations not vented? Why the oversensitive interpretation of a simple act? And no question asked…easier if asked!

Why do we keep these silent thoughts mute in the midst of communication? Do we like the torture our minds bear in twisting and turning misconceptions?

Do we put shackles in our minds and whip ourselves silly with torrid thoughts…we batter our brains with senseless recourse?

Is it a masochist longing for the pain of thoughts? Can we not think happy thoughts?

Sleepless nights bear witness to these violent abuses…daylight met with utter torments! Can we escape this maniacal mental maze?

Is torture our mind’s medium when sulking in misery's muse?

“I have a virgin heart.”

This was what my mom said one lunch time… It was quite an original piece of thought. I never imagined virginity applying to the heart. I always thought it was a physical thing. But I got what she meant. Her heart has never really been in love.

Is my heart a virgin one too? I got to thinking…or more aptly…are most people’s heart’s virgins? Do we actually learn to love? And when we love, is it penetrating that it pierces our souls?

I thought maybe I had been in love more than four times in my life. But some were fleeting and the others were just imagined. Some were also true. So, how can we tell if we've earned the moniker "non-virgin heart"? When is love so true that you end up breaking the proverbial "hymen"? Or is it when it actually is broken that we know we've been in love? Do we need to have a broken heart to know that we have loved?

It would be presumptuous to say and not accurate if I say that maybe we should feel that it should be broken first before we know if it’s true. Can love be reduced to such dialectic? Does the logic follow – a heart is in love if it can only be broken? Or perhaps, the heart must be amenable to levels of “breakage” to be considered “non-virgin”?

There is also the argument…virginity is a state of mind, whether physical or emotional. Can we revert to a second virginity when the “first” experience passes but does not meet our expectations? How many virginities can there be?

Whatever the number, whatever the physical or emotional state…a first…is a first but love can only be dictated by the heart. When the heart feels it has loved, it ceases to be a virgin. And when it is broken, it is just a testimony that it is no longer “untouched.”

LIFE IS THE BEST TEACHER AND EXPERIENCE IS THE MEDIUM OF INSTRUCTION!

4 October 2004

This came to my mind after a friend said she was looking for a certain type of magazine during her travel. I wasn’t really sure whether she wanted to buy it for informational/educational purposes or if she just wanted simple entertainment.

But it got me thinking…How much of our life is spent reading “How To” books? And do they really help? This is also applicable in the endless textbooks that elaborate on models and theories and then come up with their conclusion: these are not based on empirical data at the time of formulation but should be replicated in light of future developments. WHAT?! Plain English Please! D%*N! They don’t work period!

So, how can we possibly gain more knowledge from “How To” books that don’t derive from experience or empirical data? I’d start launching my attack on inspirational books any minute now but some people who were actually “inspired” might send me threatening comments.

Are we really swayed to do things in a certain fashion just because books told us to? I wonder…

leaving…

1 October 2004
3:56 pm

I live near the train station here in Geneva. I see endless trains coming in and out of the city. Some are en route to France, others to Italy and many more to nearby states.

I feel like those trains – just passing through life and I’m just here for the ride. But do I really have a destination? I know trains have very limited movements often just going where the tracks lead and ending where they stop. What about me though? Do I move with the same precision and the same goal?

I find myself traveling and often having revelations in each country I stay in, but what purpose do they serve? Do they really make an impact on my life or do I just move on to the next destination, dropping everything as I go. After all, a train leaves even if a certain passenger gets on or not. The world doesn’t stop for one person.

Why am I always traveling and I can’t seem to grow roots? Why am I comfortable living out of a suitcase as if I’m ready to run away? Do I want to run away? Run away from what? Are life’s complexities too hard to deal with that a getaway train is the solution?

Let’s just say I’m having an existential crisis. It’s not the first and certainly, it’s not the last!

Special Day, Special People

I haven’t written in quite a while but I thought I should. Today is a special occasion. My friend is arriving from the Philippines and my mom is arriving from Jordan. But I would also like to acknowledge a very welcomed call from a dear friend. I talked for almost an hour on the phone last night with another wanderer friend. It felt good to talk and to be happy.

I had been racked with worries as of late but they all seem to fade away now. God gives me daily sources of strengths that aid my weak heart to get through the day’s hardships. And I would just like to thank Him for it.

I’d also like to thank all my friends who are such blessings in my life - Ria, in particular. Some things are never shared with a friend but we always know. It is in the unspoken words that we scream the loudest. And I scream to you now – THANK YOU!

You have been there through my saddest and happiest moments and they were times that we weren’t near each other. You made such an effort and through the miles, I felt your care and love. Again, I say thank you.

To JAM, my wonderful bestfriend, who has always been so understanding. It was your wisdom and love that got me through the toughest times. It was the thought of you and your caring heart that served as a beacon in my darkest hours. We haven’t been together for so long either but even if oceans would divide us, we are still tied at the heart! Thank you to you.

I have many friends who have graced my life with their presence. Ivy and her uncanny honesty; Aster and her bewildered countenance (always served as diversion and a great comfort); Maan with her cool expressions; I know I’ll forget somebody so I’ll make my excuses now. You all mean so much to me! To Lemon (my kumadre) who not only walked the UP streets with me, but walked life with me (she also walked in on me in Maan’s room). To Flor, another wonderful soul that gave me a shoulder to cry on.

Hannah and Hazel and our intellectual talks (ITs)…Jack and his peach roses…Ton and Deej (intellectual sparring partners); Luige’s wits! Cheng at arms’ length, with big heart in tow! Sarah for showing me how a bestfriend should be, Yessie for paving the way.

MY MOM!

Ate Chi, Ate Mini and Nathalie…for being great women…and sharing their lives with me.

Marivic for always having an open ear. Kuya Joseph and our turon staring contests. It was always a source of a smile. Peejay, the beautiful! You are!

For all the people who’ve made a difference in my life – your names are etched into my heart…and no space in a cyber log can ever replace that.

All my LOVE to you!

Chillon's warmth

18 September 2004
Chateau de Chillon
Montreux, Switzerland

Sunlit day at Chillon’s castle
Fun and games come to proffer
Labyrinths explored
Of old 15th century world

Journey in time
I see in capsule
In walls preserved
An ancient tale

Happiness in walks
Amidst draw bridges
Company swell in leisure
Laughter enjoyed at cobblestone’s fall

Light-hearted day
In Switzerland’s glamour
Teased by the French Alps’ splendor

The lake shining
In mighty reflection
Of sun’s warmth
And earthly pleasure

No time, no worry
No train to run after
A day spent
In utter wonder

No place to go
No one to meet
No pressure
On sunlit day

In Chillon’s majesty
I came to ponder
How beautiful
Is nature’s bounty

A sight so picturesque
I hold in thought
One day I spent
In Chillon’s warmth

from the other side 

slivers of light 

labyrinths 

from the tower 

french alps 

chateau de chillon 

this way! 

For Joanne

It is her smile that makes the day bright
It is her warmth that makes the cold bearable
It is her big heart that makes the world lovable

She is the grace that makes tomorrow
An escape from sorrow
She is the happiness of the world encapsulated

Joanne is a kindred soul
Alive from love within her depths
Spirited and kind

A daughter
A sister
A friend

nikki, ivy, moi, joanne 

jowan again 

kindred souls: me and joanne 

"The Road NOT Taken"

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

========================================

This was a poem I recited in my senior year in high school. I chose it as an oratorical piece because it was so relevant in my life. I had always been someone who ran against the grain and in all conscious non-conformity, I always stood alone. I was a stickler for rules when obviously everyone wasn’t and I was lax when doctrines came a-knockin’.

There is a price to pay for being different but I always found someone who understood what it meant to be different.

I had matured beyond my years through the many trials and travels in my life. I had not been appreciated by my peers till I went to the university. I was always the “odd one out.” But I never regretted the decision of taking the “road not taken” because in choosing that path, I had become the person that I am.

It was the pain of loneliness, the pain of being different, and the pain of self-sacrifice that drove me past the un-trodden path. But as I travel on that “road less traveled” I find one or two taking up their burdens for what seems to be a reward awaiting the end of such a grueling journey.

I guess I am also searching for that reward of being different, of being less mediocre than the pack, and of knowing that being me is a good thing. But I am not banking on that. I wanted to be different because it’s what I thought would make me happy. And I am happy now.