Sticks and Stones and feet :) 

Arve riverbank 

Day out 

ALLELUIA!!! CHRIST IS RISEN

Happy Easter Everyone!

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In all my Catholic life, I have never seen such a solemn celebration of Holy Week as I did in my parish here in Geneva. The Triduum (Three Days) commemorating the death and resurrection of our Lord was marked with great reverence. The Last Supper on Holy Thursday saw the symbolic re-enactment of the washing of the feet. The priest washes the feet of 12 congregants to impress the commandment of God to serve others. On Good (God) Friday, Jesus' death was retold in the Liturgy (Latin, leitourgos, meaning public service) of the Word. There is no Mass on Good Friday but only a Communion service. On Black Saturday, we mourn and as the day passes, we prepare for the Easter Vigil to await the resurrection of Christ. We sing Alleluia and proclaim His glory in the Gloria.

Although, the tradition is the same in most countries, the meaning is different. For most Filipinos who are born Catholic, the act becomes redundant and without meaning. We go to Church and we listen to the Word, more as a matter of habit rather than of devotion and communion. So, we must not forget what Easter is all about. "For God so loved the world, He gave us His only Son." (John 3:16) It was the greatest sacrifice of God for us.

Today is Easter Sunday! We proclaim the resurrection. It is the corner stone of the Christian faith. For if Jesus hadn't risen, there wouldn't be Christianity.

let your mind feel and let you heart think

this is what my friend, buboy-liit, wrote in one of our chat exchanges...

we have been conditioned by morality dictated by man and the church that sometimes we forget that God gave us a natural compass, the heart. it will always feel heavy when we feel something is wrong even if it seems right in the human eye.

oftentimes, our mind thinks for us which sometimes lead to pitfalls because the human mind cannot comprehend what the heart can possibly know. we accuse ourselves of being over-emotional when we let our heart talk but when should it speak, when the mind tells it to?

our mind is formed in our daily dealings, it learns to read and write in school. it learns to be practical, it learns to cushion from hurt when our hearts first gets broken. but the heart is only too keen to love again, to learn about life without thinking of the mind's dictates.

we learn the norms that society impresses on us. we follow the laws yet our hearts scream in defiance. our heart will always know what the truth is.

pontius pilate asked that of himself, "what is the truth?" as he was about to hand over Jesus. if he had followed his heart without considering the law of caesar, Jesus wouldn't have died on a cross. although everything had been planned by the Father for this to happen, pilate had a choice.

today is Black Saturday. Jesus died on the cross on friday. the people shouted, "crucify him." his alleged crime - blasphemer by saying he was the Son of God. the people shouted, "give us barabbas" when pilate asked if Jesus or the notorious brigand should be released. if each citizen at that time examined their hearts, would they have crucified Jesus? although it is written in the Scriptures, His death and resurrection and the manner of His death, there was a call to examine the conscience, the heart.

so, how should we teach the heart to think without being stifled by the unemotional confines of the mind? how does the mind feel? it is in the harmony of the two that we find a balance. we should think with our hearts and let our minds experience the joy that is feeling. what is rational is not always in conjunction with the heart.

we have to unlearn so many things so the heart can flourish to rule our thoughts and our minds learn to love.

free will vs. God's purpose

“Wait,” Eddie said, pulling back. “Just tell me one thing. Did I save the little girl? At the pier. Did I save her?”

The Blue Man did not answer. Eddie slumped. “Then my death was a waste, just like my life.”

“No life is a waste,” the Blue Man said. “The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.” (Taken from Mitch Albom’s “The Five People You Meet in Heaven,” p. 50)

====

The last few days I’ve exchanged some very thought-provoking emails with a friend. We discussed about God-given free will and God’s purpose. For those Purpose-Driven-Life fanatics, I’m not sure if I’m threading your paths. But rest assured, I’ve never read the book.

What is our purpose in life? Some people believe nothing happens by accident. Nothing is ever random. I’m one of those people. But I don’t believe that God willed everything to happen that way. We have and had a choice.

We were given a life. For me, our purpose is to love God, love others and in every aspect of our life, glorify His name. I am not one to wait for things to happen and put all my faith in prayer alone. I make sure to do all that I can then I lift it up to Him.

With our life, we were given freedom. Freedom comes with responsibility. This is where the random-ness of our lives is eliminated. We are all connected in some way. We all affect each other’s lives. There is a nexus in each one’s life. You may not know it, but there is. So, with each action, there is a reaction. And we bear the consequences of our action, negative and positive alike. In that, we are not alone.

I found a nice piece on the Internet that sums up what I believe in.

(taken from the friendster profile of mai)

life is a series of choice,
every waking moment of it,
every person is called to make a choice,
in fact everything we do or say is a choice,
every choice we make
has a positive or negative consequence.
a wrong choice
can bring us a lifetime
of grief & suffering.
a right choice can give us
lifelong fulfillment & gladness.
there is no escaping the consequence
that will surely follow ur choice.
every choice we make counts.
it is important then that we exercise
wisdom & prudence in our every choice.


I think that God gave us that freedom to decide what to do with our lives and in doing so, we must remember that we affect others in everything that we do. I guess it serves as a reminder to our conscience, to always bear in mind what our actions may bring.

And if we are at the receiving end, we must think of how we will react. “Life is what we make of it,” goes one saying. I wrote once, "When life deals us with an effin' sh***y card, who's to say we should stay in the pile of crap? let's take a shower!!!" Sorry for the graphic description.

Back to God’s will and our purpose…My friend and I discussed extensively about deaths, accidental deaths in particular. What about them? They did not choose to die. IT is in this event that a person is rendered choice-less because the choice to live has been taken from them by the aggressor/murderer/etc. This starts a chain of reactions and consequences – an orphaned child, a widow, a widower. But we always have a choice to react. One could take revenge, others leave it to the justice system.

What about those children with cancer? What did they do to deserve such a terrible affliction? If the cancer is caused by contaminated water near the family’s home, isn’t it the polluter’s fault? But it’s not just all finger-pointing. And before we point our blame to God, let's look at what we've done.

What about those stillborn babies? Whose fault is that? This is a hard one to call because sometimes, the human mind cannot possible comprehend all the trappings of life. At this point, God steps in. We then turn to faith. There must have been a reason. Maybe God knows it but we don’t. Not yet anyway. In the book “The Five People You Meet in Heaven,” the Blue Man says, “in death, we make sense of our life.”

...sometimes...

people tend to look at the bad side of life too long that they forget to see the good side. i heard a priest say this in a talk last sunday. he said people wear long faces because they think life is bad and that it has dealt them too many blows.

i think the many blogs that spew angst, anger, hate, all negative emotions bear witness to such a painful life. but sometimes, life is not too bad. and for such an occasion, i think i will make this blog entry less depressing for some. :)

today, i got on the bus. it was an ordinary day - sunny and bright. the bus was full. i stood near the driver and an old man about 60 years old got up from his seat and offered it to me. i gently refused because my hips and legs are still very much functional and i know he needed the seat more. he insisted and i gave in to his kindness. it's this kind of experience that makes me renew the faith i have in people. people are all born to be good. sometimes, we just lose our way. but it's always nice to be at the receiving end of something good.

====
spring has officially arrived in geneva and it promises new life. outside my office window, i hear the birds chirping every morning. the winter months with its sometimes gloomy mornings have faded into the blue skies of spring. people smile more and the lakeshore is lined with human toasts, some mildly tanned, others more so. i can finally wear light clothes. i think i've built my shoulder muscles with the sheer weight of my winter coat.

it's nice to be amidst such a bustling of life. families are seen in the parks, dogs meet as their owners chat, children play as if tomorrow will never come. the squirrel in my park has been so active that it tried to cross the street by jumping from tree to tree. the naked branches revealed his adventure but he was a bit too excited when he realized that there was no tree on the other side of the street. he halted abruptly. it was funny to watch though.

====
just the other day, i took a walk around geneva with a friend. since our bus passes double as boat passes too, we decided to take a ride across the lake. we went to the arve riverbanks. my friend has a very keen sense of adventure. we climbed over the railings and mind you she was wearing a skirt. it involved a 15-feet descent on an iron ladder bolted to the concrete wall. we made it safely and the river was so peaceful. the sun struck the surface of the water and it hit our eyes with a bright white light and the water was like a silk sheet flowing inviting our feet to dance on its waters.

====
sometimes...life is not too bad.

Reel Pinoy!

There’s something about Filipino films that draw as well as repel Pinoys to the silver screen. For the escapist fan, a love story of Judy Ann magnitude with complete kilig (titillating) story line is enough to drown every day woes of the Filipino life. But the same film can be predicted when the credits starts rolling. Boy meets girl, girl plays coy, boy tries his best to win girl’s heart with sometimes the cheesiest lines and cheesiest moves, girl gives in and after the movie house has been flooded by both the actress’ tears and the audience’s, they all live happily ever after. For some Pinoys, especially the non-masa (mass) type, it’s enough to reach for the vomit bag.

But there is also something so unique that draws each one to the cinema to watch the latest Pinoy teen flick or love story may it be from Star Cinema or Viva or whatever or the action-packed movie of reformed “Bad Boy” Robin Padilla. Movie-going is in most of our blood and is often on our schedule from Monday to Sunday, if the budget allows. For premieres, where the actors and actresses, actually attend, twice as many moviegoers will buy the expensive tickets. This is complete with after-show screams of “Ang ganda ganda! Ang gwapo ni Piolo! (It’s so nice. Piolo is so handsome!” as they are interviewed for their comments.

I relived that today. Piolo’s latest film, Dreamboy, was showing at Geneva’s Balexert’s cinema. It ran for two nights to raise funds for the Gawad Kalinga (To Give Care) Housing Project in the Philippines. Hollywood Video Store, a Filipino-owned movie rental shop, and ABS-CBN (The Filipino Channel) organized the event.

It came complete with a GK audio-visual presentation featuring Gary Granada’s song “Bahay” (House) to move the people to donate for the project. It was followed by a live presentation of the members of the Kids and Youth for Christ complete with a song and theatre number. It never ceases to amaze me how much talent these kids have.

But the best part of the whole Reel Pinoy! experience is perhaps the National Anthem being played before the movie started. Every time I hear the Lupang Hinirang (Esteemed Land), I am moved to tears. I might be a bit too patriotic at times but being outside of the country most of the time, I really miss it.

Before I get into my nationalistic mode as most of you know, I can just go on and on about the Philippines, I’d like to relate Dreamboy’s strong points. It wasn’t your typical love story that left no guess-work to the fans.

The lead character, Cyd, has dreamt and wished for her true love. She refuses to date the guys that her friend sets her up with. She said she believes her soul mate will come when the time is right. Orphaned early in her youth, she never made it to college. She had to work in a wholesale grocery to provide for her and her grandmother.

But one day, she meets Philip, a stunning young man who happens to own the grocery that she works at. He sweeps her off her feet but she does not belong to his socio-economic class or so his aunt warns her. She runs off and cries her eyes out. After a few weeks, she meets Eboy as he rescues her purse from a speeding thief. He is the spitting image of Philip but more athletic, care-free, and doesn’t hesitate to show her that he’s fallen for her instantly. But Eboy has a fiancée and Cyd’s heart was to be broken again. After a few more weeks, Jaime enters her life as a restaurant supervisor, also bearing the face of Philip and Eboy sans Philip’s rich and well-groomed look and Eboy’s scruffy masculinity. Jaime was your typical boy-next-door.

Jaime takes her to his mother’s house in the Quezon Province after a seminar they were both headed to was cancelled. Call it serendipity, but not!

All three characters try to win her heart and make her say the magic words – I LOVE YOU!

Cyd had to rush back to Manila after hearing news of her grandmother’s worried state after she had not communicated in light of the cancelled seminar. She rushes back to her work only to be scolded by her manager.

The story unfolds as Jaime in his love-struck frenzy runs after Cyd. He takes her by the hand and in full view of the other workers, professes his love for her. And in her angry and bitter tone, she says, “Let’s get this over with, you want to hear the magic words, here you go – I LOVE YOU!” And just as she says it, cameramen and TV crew springs out of nowhere and bright lights puts her on the spot. Not until a close friend told her a few days before, she didn’t know she had been the lead character in the latest reality TV show, Mr. Dreamboy. To her utter horror, she bursts into tears. Jaime, who is actually the real person of the Philip-Eboy-Jaime character, tries to explain that he had not counted on really falling in love with her. That many times, he tried to back out of the deal but he couldn’t because he hadn’t counted on falling for her and that he needed the money because his father’s land was confiscated by the bank after his father died and left the loans unpaid.

And after all the drama and deceit, they reunite and end in a blissful kiss.

I have to give credit to this film because it wasn’t as predictable as many of the Filipino films I’ve seen. Of course, from the mere title you could tell this was some fairytale story but how was the fairytale going to be played out?

This is quite original and kudos to Star Cinema for trying to break out of the mold of the teeny-boppy formula film that leaves most viewers disappointed and wanting their money back.

I hope we can make better movies that just don’t drain our pockets but also makes movie-going a treat - as it should be.

What Kind of Soul are You?

I found this while blog-hopping and got curious, so took the test. :)

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Journey of faith…on the way to Rome

I was in Luzern, Switzerland yesterday to attend the CFC Pre-Conference (for CFC Switzerland) for the preparation of the Mega-Conference in Rome this coming July. CFC Europe will be celebrating its 10th year anniversary.

I have been to many CFC events but I’m not really part of it. All my family here is part of the “community” and I just tag along because I want to see new places and because all my family is going. I was never forced into going but I came any way.

They have invited me many times to join but I was not ready to join. I had been part of the Youth for Christ, one of the many ministries of the CFC, in my college days but was disillusioned because it served to be a social clique rather than a spiritual group. The other ministries are Kids for Christ, Singles for Christ, Handmaids of the Lord (for women aged 42 and up, without husbands or widowed), Servants of the Lord (for men aged 42 and up, without wives or widowers), and Couples for Christ (for married couples).

All CFC ministries are designed to involve the whole family in prayer and worship. It is believed that a “family that prays together, stays together.” It is a Catholic group that seeks to evangelize and spread God’s love through community worship and volunteerism.

I had been putting off joining SFC because I wasn’t convinced that it would do anything for me and I’d just be part of the hypocrisy that was the YFC in college. But seeing the work the CFC has done here in Switzerland and in the Philippines, I am considering changing my mind.

A CFC gathering is usually composed of a praise fest which kicks off the gathering and closes it, and a talk in the middle. There can be many talks depending on the time allotted.

One of the most interesting talks I have ever encountered in the CFC was the talk given by Bro. Ansel yesterday. He used to be what he described as a “screaming faggot” but has made a commitment to change his ways and is now married with two children. It is always inspiring to hear talks like this because it takes a lot of faith and strength. He seems to be happy with his decision and has often cited God’s calling to him. That giving up the homosexual life is not as hard as humility.

I was particularly struck by his recounting a parable of the Cross. A man asked God, “How can I enter the kingdom of God?” He said, “Take up your cross and follow me.” And suddenly, a big wooden cross appeared before him. It was heavy. He then took up his cross and treaded the path towards God’s kingdom. As he walked and walked, the cross got heavier. He decided to chop off parts of it so that it can become lighter. He continued to walk and just as he thought the Lord wasn’t looking, he chopped off some more until he reached a deep ravine. Across it was God’s kingdom. He wondered and was puzzled how he could go to the other side. He asked God, “God, how do I get across?” God said, “Use the cross. It was perfectly measured to be put as a bridge to the other side. It is even balanced, that’s why there’s a horizontal bar.” The man was aghast, holding his horizontal bar, all that was left of his cross.

Bro. Ansel said, “We often short-change God because we want our burdens to be lighter.”

I guess, even if we don’t know it, God really knows better. Suffering is part of human life, but all suffering gains meaning if we look to Him. There is a reason for everything.

There is always the handy saying, “What doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger.” But I guess, we only get stronger because we have faith in Him. There is a passage in the letters of Paul, “Do not boast unless you boast of Him.”

Bro. Ansel concluded by saying, “We cannot really claim to own anything, except for our sins. For sin cannot come from God.”

As Easter Sunday approaches, I hope we can reflect on the Cross and the Passion of Jesus Christ, who died innocently to save us from our sins.

Couples for Christ Pre-Conference in Küssnacht, Luzern, Switzerland (Mama, Chris, Me, & Gorby)  

English millionaire, Dylan Wilk, promoting the Gawad Kalinga (To Give Care) housing project at the International Labour Organization in Geneva. This 30-something Briton from Leeds works as a full-time volunteer for the Gawad Kalinga based in the Philippines. 

wanderer in thought 

Dead Sea Scrolls on exhibit in Geneva

Last night, I was privileged enough to attend a lecture on the Dead Sea Scrolls (DSS) by Dr. Donald Parry of the Brigham Young University in Utah, U.S.A. Replicas of the scrolls are on display at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Geneva. Aside from being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Dr. Parry is a university professor of Hebrew at BYU.

Among the audience were a handful of diplomats, religious leaders including former Geneva Rabbi-Chief Raphael Geudj of the University of Geneva, Latter-Day Saints believers, and many more.

The DSS is suggested to be dated from 100 B.C. It contains most of the Books of the Old Testament excluding that of Esther, because it never once mentioned the name of God (Elohim or Jehovah in Hebrew). The text is hand-written in calligraphy on leather made from bovine, sheep or deer skin with some measuring 26 feet in length and six inches in width.

It was discovered in some caves in 1947 by two shepherd boys in the area of Qumran, Palestine along the Dead Sea. One boy accidentally threw a rock into one of the caves that housed the scrolls and broke an ancient jar. It made an eerie sound which prompted one of the boys to tell someone. They had thought it was a jinn, the Arabic term for “devil” or “evil spirits.”

As they opened the jars, it was heavily sealed with wax and only contained the scrolls and not the gold treasures they were hoping to find. The two boys took some of the scrolls and sold it to an antiquities dealer for $20. The scrolls are now housed in the Shrine of Books in Israel. It is heavily guarded because the Old Testament is used in two major faiths: Judaism and Christianity. And the translation of the DSS is highly considered in modern day bibles. The DSS also provides great insight on the ancient Hebrew and the early Aramaic used in the bible.

Over 1000 books and 5000 articles have been written on the DSS but due to time constraints, Dr. Parry gave only a 25-minute presentation on the various questions that his scholarly work has answered. One of his findings is that the DSS were used by Essin Jews. It was hypothesized that may be Jesus Christ himself learned from these Jews but Dr. Parry doesn’t think so. It’s more likely that John the Baptist lived and learned with this group of Jews.

The Essin Jews are rumored to have been celibate Jews because when the area where they lived was dug up, only six females were there as compared to the 200 men buried in the cemetery.

He also elaborated on many of the texts found in the DSS but is not found in current bibles. An interesting insight is on Psalm 145 which is according to him an alphabetically versed song which has the missing Hebrew letter “N” or “noon.” The DSS supplies this missing text.

The age of the scrolls are in question because there are at least five ways to date them, i.e. carbon dating, paleography, geographical leveling, among others.

Dr. Parry after his short presentation took the audience to the exhibit and gave us a 15-minute tour of the major scroll findings, i.e. the Book of Job, Habakkuk and a book that contained the rules of daily living for Jews.

A diorama showed the layout of the Qumran caves where the Essin Jews displayed marvelous engineering skills by keeping rainwater for a whole year. Certain “wells” were created to catch the rainfall and it would last the whole year.

Dr. Parry has written various amount of books on the DSS and have worked with Emmanuel Tov, the editor-in-chief for the Translation of the DSS. Dr. Parry lived in Jerusalem at the time he worked with Tov.

Me, Dr. Parry and Mom  

Dr. Donald Parry in front of the Book of Job (Dead Sea Scroll) 

YOU ARE WORTH IT (circa 1999) by Ray Nichols (Raenante Rojas)

Do not undermine your worth
By comparing yourself with others
It is because we are different
That each of us is special

Do not set your goals
By what other people deem important
Only you know
What is best for you

Do not take for granted
The things closest to your heart
Cling to them as you would your life
For without them,
Life is meaningless

Do not let your life
Slip through your fingers
By living in the past
Nor for the future
By living your life one day at a time
You live all the days of your life

Do not give up
When you still have something to give
Nothing is really over
Until the moment you stop trying
It is a fragile thread
That binds us to each other

Do not be afraid to encounter risks
It is by taking chances
That we learn how to be brave

Do not shut love out of your life
By saying it is impossible to find

The quickest way to receive love
Is to give love
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it tightly

Do not dismiss your dreams
To be without dreams
Is to be without hope
To be without hope
Is to be without purpose

Do not run through life
So fast that you forget
Not only where you have been
But also were you are going

Life is not a race
But a journey
To be savored
Each step of the way

=====================

[Ray, 24, is a close friend of mine and we grew up together in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. We spent but only a few years building our friendship there but it was in the 10 years that we kept in touch that our friendship really blossomed. His writing has inspired me through the years. He wrote this poem for himself at the age of 19 before the new millennium. He gave the original copy to me when we met in Manila (1999) after six years of separation. I gave him his own laminated copy but he lost it again. So, I am putting a copy here for the world to see…how wonderful a writer he really is and how much he is an inspiration to so many people. Ray is a senior airman with the U.S. Air Force stationed in Travis Air Fore Base in California.]

“People Power I” Revisited…

In a few days, the Filipinos will be celebrating the 9th anniversary of the first People Power in the country. It was a benchmark in Asia that was replicated in many countries in the region, including Indonesia and the unsuccessful attempt in Tiananmen Square in China. It was a hallmark of democracy and for some, the true representation of rule by the people, for the people and of the people. IT MEANT THE END OF DICTATORSHIP, the beginning of democracy again and the peaceful resolution to an otherwise potentially violent end of the Marcos reign.

It was sparked by the anger, dismay and disappointment over the many injustices committed during the Marcos Era and the human rights violations flagrant during Martial Law. The writ of habeas corpus was suspended and most opposition leaders were imprisoned for their contrasting political stand. Many politicians, journalists, and oppositionists who questioned Marcos mysteriously disappeared, were tortured and some were forever silenced. The people had had enough.

With the defection of then Marcos’ loyalists, Juan Ponce Enrile (who later became Senator) and Fidel V. Ramos (who later became the President of the Republic), began the outpouring of support for the newly proclaimed administration of Pres. Corazon Aquino. It was 1986…and the wife of the assassinated opposition leader Benigno Aquino, Sr. was sworn in as president of the Republic. The people had taken to the streets to proclaim this. They had risen from fear and nuns, clergymen and common citizens put roses in the mouths of the tank with their barrels aimed at the people. They hung sampaguitas on the soldiers and acted as human barricade. The army at the behest of Marcos was to stop the people. But the people had come out in full support of Aquino and there could only be peace. The People Power Revolution passed with no bloodshed.

And almost ten years on…have we learned from our new democracy? People Power has been replicated in 2001 to oust yet another president, Joseph Estrada. But have we truly learned?

In our presidential elections, have we chosen the right candidate and was not blinded by the bribery of money? Have we diverted from corrupt officials and avoided being the “grease” in under-the-table deals? We were offered a new beginning in People Power I. But it seems to have lain in waste…

Our economy is slowly picking up now with new presidential initiatives but we still lose about $20 billion in corruption. Officials still funnel public funds into their private pockets. And we elect these officials…and we tolerate them. The lifestyle check was instituted by Pres. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo but it seems to have lost steam and many anomalies are left unchecked.

Where is the Philippines going to? How long will it take for Filipinos to wake up and to actually devote time and money to rebuilding the Philippines? We are sometimes called “ningas cogon” meaning “good at the start, but never finishing.”

We are constantly plagued by problems that can be solved with a slight, or that maybe too kind, a MAJOR attitude change! Eighty million Filipinos survive each day, making a living out of nothing. And there are those that make a living by taking from others. What’s wrong with the picture? Of course, everyone should work for success, and everyone deserves their reward. But let’s not be greedy!

The Philippines was the first democracy in Asia. Have we lived up to that privilege? Have we learned from democracy’s rebirth in 1986? How many People Powers must occur? Wasn’t one enough? Let’s try to learn from our mistakes and try to make the best of what we’re given. Put selfishness aside---put love of God, country and fellowman at heart!

The Sacrament Of Waiting (by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.)

The English poet John Milton wrote that those who serve also stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts that all the greatest deeds of deering-do go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control.) We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye and give the last wave of hand. We wait for springs to come - or autumn - for the rains to begin and stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop.

We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions. We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living - the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives.

Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait "grab all the gusto you can get." So reads one of America's greatest beer ads - get it now! Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die.

And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom - pre-marital sex and extra-marital affairs - they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful - what was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure - "Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated." Not if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray wind of leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this? Why can we not have it right now what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years - and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit - the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond.

There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments; or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your own path - goodbyes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time.

So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait; when we try to find shortcuts through life -when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume?

We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery - that waiting is part of the substance - the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written.


How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it?

Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for.

How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel.

What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me.

Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end.

Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE.

What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track...which won't do you much good at all.

What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is staying where you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.

Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that...").

With WAITING, all you really can rely on are 3 things: your gut feel, your heart and mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else.

So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these 3 questions (and pray!) until you get a solid answer.

THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.

the Miracle of Love

rewatching "the notebook" for the third time never ceases to give me such a glimmer of hope that love can conquer all. allie at the end asks, "do you think that our love can perform miracles?" noah says, "it can and it has. it's what brings you back to me everytime." allie then says, "do you think our love can take us away together?" noah pauses and says, "i think it can do what we want it to do."

this love story is so inspiring that it is worth re-telling as much as re-watching the movie or re-reading the book, as the case may be. it tells of two young lovers who meet in the summer of 1940. star-crossed as they may be, they came together despite their daring first meeting. noah pursues allie and they fall in love that summer. but circumstances drove them apart and hurtful words were said during the breakup before summer’s end. both didn't mean what they said and both bled from the thought of being apart.

noah wrote allie 365 letters, one for each day. allie's mother had intervened and allie didn't get a single letter.

seven years passed...including the second world war. allie and noah had led separate lives until one day "fate stepped in" and let their paths cross again.

as allie was trying on her wedding dress, her guests marveled at her beauty and at her wedding announcement in the newspaper. unfolding it only revealed the bottom half which held allie's heart - a picture of noah beside his dream house, the house where they were supposed to show their expressions of love. upon seeing noah in the picture, she fainted and the following days found her saying goodbye to her fiance and taking a break.

she goes back to noah with jittery hands and talks of yester years. "what we had was real" she recounts. and noah never wanting her to leave his side again, did his best to keep her beside him.

after all was said and done, allie's fiance comes to seabrook where the love-struck couple were. allie chooses her fiancé, lon, but he let her go.

then the story ends in a happy ever after...noah stayed with allie all her life enduring even the alzheimer's disease which made her forget him and their family. but love always brought her back to him. and even in death, they held each other's hand.

The long journey home…

It’s been a week since I got back from my trip home. This last trip had opened my eyes to many things and had been cathartic to some effect.

I was welcomed by pollution and great heat when I stepped off the airport. I had waited for more than half an hour for my brother to pick me up. And when he did, we were met with traffic on the highway. I had returned and the reality of my homeland hit me like a violent storm.

But as the storm subsides, so did my expected bewilderment. I had come home and I had felt happy being there. No amount of traffic ever stopped me from going to one of my lunches or my dinners or any parties for that matter. I was content with riding the overflowing, often sardine-like-packed, metro rail to get to my appointments.

No amount of heat or the lack of hot running water prevented me from taking my daily bath. I was home and I was among my friends once again. I had missed my friends. I had missed the often cyclical discussions that touched on politics, economics, and whatever topic that presented itself.

I went home to the province of my mother to celebrate my grandfather’s 80th birthday. No less than the whole town showed up for the Grand Family Reunion. Life is simple in the barrio, but Ligao has now become a city in the province of Albay. I still don’t get why the residents laugh every time they say “Ligao City.” Perhaps, it’s because it doesn’t look like a city yet bereft of the standard fast food chains brought on by the “big city” phenomenon. There were no McDonald’s or Jollibees in sight. There was, however, a great Christmas tree which rose some 30 meters and twinkled with its light-ridden body in the town, sorry, city hall. I was told that same tree was featured in a national daily.

There was abundance in food and there were many relatives to meet. But time was short. It was a whirlwind event. I came out only with a picture of the famous Mayon Volcano when it actually showed itself, cloudless and majestic.

As I spent the rest of my holiday in Manila, I began to wonder at the general festive mood of the people. I have been living abroad for almost half of my life, going home once or twice and staying only a few years. I have never seen such a happy place such as the Philippines. No where else have I seen where people strive so much to be happy in the many faces of adversity. Even in the face of death or ultimate survival, a Filipino manages to smile and make a joke of his/her situation.

Most Filipinos go abroad in search of the greener pasture that the tropical islands cannot provide for them. But even when financial insolvency is in the offing, a Filipino manages to survive with the little or no money he has. It is called, “diskarte.” I don’t know the exact translation but it means “dealing with a situation in the best possible way and to make it to your advantage.” There are about 80 million Filipinos that survive each day.

I worked in government before. During lunchtime, I find one of our clerks offering me insurance, a cemetery plot and milkfish. Filipinos are multi-taskers as well as great businessmen. There is a great skill for survival. She is also paying for a low-cost government housing that results in a salary not even the equivalent of $10 as take home pay. She’s raising an adopted son on top of that. Yet, she survives. I am amazed that she is not willing to give up given her circumstances. I am always inspired to hear her story.

I admire so many Filipinos which have taken their plight and grabbed it by the horns and made a real life, and livable at that, for themselves.

I realized that I had been so happy living there before but that I had always been afraid to stay for fear that I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t possess the qualities that would make each Filipino great – success-driven, extreme industriousness and passion for living and pursuing what one wants. I had been afraid to go out and look for a private sector job because I thought I wasn’t good enough. I took a government job because it had been in my line of work and it offered me the greatest training in relation to my college degree. I am a journalist and I became an information officer. The pay was low but it gave me great exposure and an inside look on how it is to be in the press corps and as a media practitioner. But the people were not too great. Inherent in government are the bureaucratic stereotypes, the hierarchical considerations, the power struggle, etc. It’s also present everywhere but just more pronounced in government.

It had given me a lot and had given me good experiences. But I wanted more money. I wanted to be able to buy the things I wanted (note: not what I necessarily needed). So, I thought I’d go abroad in search of the greener pasture. But I was only met by unhappiness and discontent. I met mostly cold people who didn’t care. But I was blessed to have met some nice ones too.

I don’t know why I keep leaving the country but this time I am looking forward to going home for good. I want to live as a Filipino in the Philippines.

I want to see what life has in store for me there and to see how I can fare. These are wants but I hope that God will show the way to meet what I need. Discernment is always key.

The more I leave the Philippines, the stronger the drive to stay in the country. I hope that each Filipino will realize how wonderfully blessed we are to be a citizen of this country and to do our best to make it a livable place.

Silent call

(October 21, 2003, Philippines)


it was a silent call
i heard in the wilderness
that called me back
to where civilization resided

i was lost in the thick of bushes
in the darkness of the giant trees looming
i had been two nights in the place forlorn
no hope of rescue with passing dawns

i strayed into the godless place
while my heart weighs
the heavy world surrounding
escape i dared find but lost i was
in the wilderness tonight

but i heard a silent call
a faint hope of light
that my darkness be brightened
and out of the the wilderness i might
be free tonight

God’s Grace

In many trying times I have found constant solace and comfort in the Lord. He has given me peace and understanding beyond human comprehension. He has also blessed me with a good family and many friends that bear witness to His compassion and symbolize the tangible form of His love. He sometimes uses strangers as vehicles of His message.

Tonight, I watched the Barbara Best Singers at the St. Pie X church as they rendered gospel and spiritual songs. I was waiting for the regular “Amazing Grace” but it never came. When the show was about to end, I was tempted to go up the stage and ask the singers to sing it. Nothing should have prevented me because two members of the audience actually went up the stage to ask for autographs. But I was still my shy self. My mom said, it takes time…even she, with the greatest courage and almost non-existent shyness, didn’t come up the stage to ask the singers. I just felt a bit frustrated since I should have been more courageous…“It takes time,” my mom repeated. And with that, I put my soul to rest. After all, I didn’t ask Mariah Carey to sing a particular song when I watched her in concert. :)

Despite the disappointment, I heard some songs that I needed to hear. As the songs were performed, one song particularly struck me. The lyrics went, “Lord, thank you for opening a door that I didn’t even see.” There’s a saying, “When one door closes, a window is opened.” Helen Keller, a blind, deaf and once mute lady added, “But we often stare at the closed door that we don’t see the opened window.”

The Lord is kind and gracious. He is understanding and a kind father. He teaches with great reproach but loves with great compassion.

I am guilty of sometimes blaming Him for why things happen the way they do…and when burdens come my way…I ask Him “Why me?” But I quickly leave my blaming and ask Him to help me carry my burden. A passage in the Bible says, “Cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden. Come to me and I will give you rest.” A friend offered me this passage at one of the lowest points in my life…It brought me to my senses, made me trust in His will and prayed for His grace to get me through my hardest times. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes, it is only Him who knows why. It is up to us to pray for discernment.

"LEARNING PAINS"

We must know mind-numbing, even heart-numbing pain, so we can know pleasure. This I have learned in the last few days. Life is full of dialectics – sorrow and joy, love and hate (some say, indifference), and many more…

We can only truly appreciate one knowing the existence and the true understanding of the other. And we can only know the joy of the other by experiencing the opposite.

But we must not wish to experience less or more of the other to fully appreciate it. One must experience the opposites, only to learn…

I watched “13 going on 30” the other day and the main character asked her mother, “If you could go back and change the biggest mistake of your life, what would you change?” The mother said, “Nothing…I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I don’t regret any of them…because if I haven’t made them, then I wouldn’t have learned how to make things right.”

Everything is part of learning and those who learn are better for it. This is especially true when you hurt people you love…intentionally and unintentionally. It is only when you realize that what you have done is wrong and you are truly sorry for it that you know the person’s worth in your life. And that you will do everything in your power never to commit the same act again, because you love that person so much and will never think of wishing or committing harm to him/her.

A friend said, "make the best of what you've got..." I add, "never take one for granted and take care of the one you love."

Some things happen for a reason…but sometimes we are too blind to see it. We beat ourselves up over our faults, but we never see the silver lining – WE HAVE NOW LEARNED AND HAS BEEN GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE TO NEVER COMMIT THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN. We can never bring back a word we say or an act we did. But we can only learn from these mistakes.

May we all learn despite the pain!

Philippines...my beloved

PA: hey Nicky, thanx for sharing the video clip with me. It was very nice. I really love the Phils. It sent chills up my spine just listening to it. It reminded me of my journey home...my journey of becoming a Filipino.

I was talking about the new tourism video clip promoting the Philippines.
http://www.tourism.gov.ph/media_source/byahetayo.wmv

I’d recommend it to all Filipinos out there. Be PROUD!!!

Mabuhay!!!

Tortured minds

Why do we put ourselves through hell thinking the unthinkables, complicating simple thoughts of “can’t do anything about its”?

Is it the repressions of past frustrations not vented? Why the oversensitive interpretation of a simple act? And no question asked…easier if asked!

Why do we keep these silent thoughts mute in the midst of communication? Do we like the torture our minds bear in twisting and turning misconceptions?

Do we put shackles in our minds and whip ourselves silly with torrid thoughts…we batter our brains with senseless recourse?

Is it a masochist longing for the pain of thoughts? Can we not think happy thoughts?

Sleepless nights bear witness to these violent abuses…daylight met with utter torments! Can we escape this maniacal mental maze?

Is torture our mind’s medium when sulking in misery's muse?

“I have a virgin heart.”

This was what my mom said one lunch time… It was quite an original piece of thought. I never imagined virginity applying to the heart. I always thought it was a physical thing. But I got what she meant. Her heart has never really been in love.

Is my heart a virgin one too? I got to thinking…or more aptly…are most people’s heart’s virgins? Do we actually learn to love? And when we love, is it penetrating that it pierces our souls?

I thought maybe I had been in love more than four times in my life. But some were fleeting and the others were just imagined. Some were also true. So, how can we tell if we've earned the moniker "non-virgin heart"? When is love so true that you end up breaking the proverbial "hymen"? Or is it when it actually is broken that we know we've been in love? Do we need to have a broken heart to know that we have loved?

It would be presumptuous to say and not accurate if I say that maybe we should feel that it should be broken first before we know if it’s true. Can love be reduced to such dialectic? Does the logic follow – a heart is in love if it can only be broken? Or perhaps, the heart must be amenable to levels of “breakage” to be considered “non-virgin”?

There is also the argument…virginity is a state of mind, whether physical or emotional. Can we revert to a second virginity when the “first” experience passes but does not meet our expectations? How many virginities can there be?

Whatever the number, whatever the physical or emotional state…a first…is a first but love can only be dictated by the heart. When the heart feels it has loved, it ceases to be a virgin. And when it is broken, it is just a testimony that it is no longer “untouched.”

LIFE IS THE BEST TEACHER AND EXPERIENCE IS THE MEDIUM OF INSTRUCTION!

4 October 2004

This came to my mind after a friend said she was looking for a certain type of magazine during her travel. I wasn’t really sure whether she wanted to buy it for informational/educational purposes or if she just wanted simple entertainment.

But it got me thinking…How much of our life is spent reading “How To” books? And do they really help? This is also applicable in the endless textbooks that elaborate on models and theories and then come up with their conclusion: these are not based on empirical data at the time of formulation but should be replicated in light of future developments. WHAT?! Plain English Please! D%*N! They don’t work period!

So, how can we possibly gain more knowledge from “How To” books that don’t derive from experience or empirical data? I’d start launching my attack on inspirational books any minute now but some people who were actually “inspired” might send me threatening comments.

Are we really swayed to do things in a certain fashion just because books told us to? I wonder…

leaving…

1 October 2004
3:56 pm

I live near the train station here in Geneva. I see endless trains coming in and out of the city. Some are en route to France, others to Italy and many more to nearby states.

I feel like those trains – just passing through life and I’m just here for the ride. But do I really have a destination? I know trains have very limited movements often just going where the tracks lead and ending where they stop. What about me though? Do I move with the same precision and the same goal?

I find myself traveling and often having revelations in each country I stay in, but what purpose do they serve? Do they really make an impact on my life or do I just move on to the next destination, dropping everything as I go. After all, a train leaves even if a certain passenger gets on or not. The world doesn’t stop for one person.

Why am I always traveling and I can’t seem to grow roots? Why am I comfortable living out of a suitcase as if I’m ready to run away? Do I want to run away? Run away from what? Are life’s complexities too hard to deal with that a getaway train is the solution?

Let’s just say I’m having an existential crisis. It’s not the first and certainly, it’s not the last!

Special Day, Special People

I haven’t written in quite a while but I thought I should. Today is a special occasion. My friend is arriving from the Philippines and my mom is arriving from Jordan. But I would also like to acknowledge a very welcomed call from a dear friend. I talked for almost an hour on the phone last night with another wanderer friend. It felt good to talk and to be happy.

I had been racked with worries as of late but they all seem to fade away now. God gives me daily sources of strengths that aid my weak heart to get through the day’s hardships. And I would just like to thank Him for it.

I’d also like to thank all my friends who are such blessings in my life - Ria, in particular. Some things are never shared with a friend but we always know. It is in the unspoken words that we scream the loudest. And I scream to you now – THANK YOU!

You have been there through my saddest and happiest moments and they were times that we weren’t near each other. You made such an effort and through the miles, I felt your care and love. Again, I say thank you.

To JAM, my wonderful bestfriend, who has always been so understanding. It was your wisdom and love that got me through the toughest times. It was the thought of you and your caring heart that served as a beacon in my darkest hours. We haven’t been together for so long either but even if oceans would divide us, we are still tied at the heart! Thank you to you.

I have many friends who have graced my life with their presence. Ivy and her uncanny honesty; Aster and her bewildered countenance (always served as diversion and a great comfort); Maan with her cool expressions; I know I’ll forget somebody so I’ll make my excuses now. You all mean so much to me! To Lemon (my kumadre) who not only walked the UP streets with me, but walked life with me (she also walked in on me in Maan’s room). To Flor, another wonderful soul that gave me a shoulder to cry on.

Hannah and Hazel and our intellectual talks (ITs)…Jack and his peach roses…Ton and Deej (intellectual sparring partners); Luige’s wits! Cheng at arms’ length, with big heart in tow! Sarah for showing me how a bestfriend should be, Yessie for paving the way.

MY MOM!

Ate Chi, Ate Mini and Nathalie…for being great women…and sharing their lives with me.

Marivic for always having an open ear. Kuya Joseph and our turon staring contests. It was always a source of a smile. Peejay, the beautiful! You are!

For all the people who’ve made a difference in my life – your names are etched into my heart…and no space in a cyber log can ever replace that.

All my LOVE to you!

Chillon's warmth

18 September 2004
Chateau de Chillon
Montreux, Switzerland

Sunlit day at Chillon’s castle
Fun and games come to proffer
Labyrinths explored
Of old 15th century world

Journey in time
I see in capsule
In walls preserved
An ancient tale

Happiness in walks
Amidst draw bridges
Company swell in leisure
Laughter enjoyed at cobblestone’s fall

Light-hearted day
In Switzerland’s glamour
Teased by the French Alps’ splendor

The lake shining
In mighty reflection
Of sun’s warmth
And earthly pleasure

No time, no worry
No train to run after
A day spent
In utter wonder

No place to go
No one to meet
No pressure
On sunlit day

In Chillon’s majesty
I came to ponder
How beautiful
Is nature’s bounty

A sight so picturesque
I hold in thought
One day I spent
In Chillon’s warmth

from the other side 

slivers of light 

labyrinths 

from the tower 

french alps 

chateau de chillon 

this way! 

For Joanne

It is her smile that makes the day bright
It is her warmth that makes the cold bearable
It is her big heart that makes the world lovable

She is the grace that makes tomorrow
An escape from sorrow
She is the happiness of the world encapsulated

Joanne is a kindred soul
Alive from love within her depths
Spirited and kind

A daughter
A sister
A friend

nikki, ivy, moi, joanne 

jowan again 

kindred souls: me and joanne 

"The Road NOT Taken"

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

========================================

This was a poem I recited in my senior year in high school. I chose it as an oratorical piece because it was so relevant in my life. I had always been someone who ran against the grain and in all conscious non-conformity, I always stood alone. I was a stickler for rules when obviously everyone wasn’t and I was lax when doctrines came a-knockin’.

There is a price to pay for being different but I always found someone who understood what it meant to be different.

I had matured beyond my years through the many trials and travels in my life. I had not been appreciated by my peers till I went to the university. I was always the “odd one out.” But I never regretted the decision of taking the “road not taken” because in choosing that path, I had become the person that I am.

It was the pain of loneliness, the pain of being different, and the pain of self-sacrifice that drove me past the un-trodden path. But as I travel on that “road less traveled” I find one or two taking up their burdens for what seems to be a reward awaiting the end of such a grueling journey.

I guess I am also searching for that reward of being different, of being less mediocre than the pack, and of knowing that being me is a good thing. But I am not banking on that. I wanted to be different because it’s what I thought would make me happy. And I am happy now.

Happiness for “now”

13 September 2004
8:00 p.m.

I jotted down my old text messages today. It felt like more than just taking note of what I’ve received; it seemed more like literal archiving.

When we start to put away old things in boxes and tie them up with little ribbons and put them in a closet or an attic, are we closing that chapter of our lives?

I have always been fond of collecting little things including little notes sent to me on paper or through text. I found it sentimental. But I’ve never really re-read my diaries or scrap books from cover to cover.

Is it a subconscious act to start sorting and organizing “old” things because they don’t belong in the present any more?

Do we actually live for the present? Do we ever really enjoy the moment? Or do we batter our brains thinking, “Where will this lead to? Where am I going? Is this going to last? Will this make me happier in the future?”

Happiness has become as trivialized as the archived notes. We keep it to remind us that we were once happy. But can we be happy for “now”?

I know a person who attends memorable events but doesn’t bring a camera. I always found it puzzling. In his old age, how will he remember the happier times?

Maybe, the happiness is etched in his heart and it will never leave his side. Maybe he brings a little bit of that happiness that makes a memorable event a memorable one and not simply a memory.

I guess I have to move up that ladder where I should be happy for the moment; happy for being; happy for knowing that happiness does exist and sometimes we don’t need to keep it hidden in an old box because it never left our hearts.

After Birthday Wishes…

9 September 2004
3:36 a.m.

It’s nice to feel loved even when you’re miles away from your loved ones…

I just celebrated my birthday in the simplest gathering I have ever had in the last few years. I invited my closest friends in Geneva and had a sit-down dinner for eight people. I was a bit hesitant for the gathering because I had always met with these people on a one-to-one basis. The age differences were not gigantic but it was considerable. But I had worried for nothing. The night was perfect complete with meaningful gifts and overseas calls. A friend from Fujaira, UAE had called to say “happy birthday” and had offered to help pass out my CV to company. That is a good birthday gift.

The day has been one big birthday gift. I got up to go to mass with my mother at 7 a.m. It was the first French mass I ever attended in Geneva. At Notre Dame, we offered candles for our intentions. I offered three: for myself, my family, the world. My mom miraculously took a flight on my birthday instead of the day before so she could spend time with me. She is bound for the Middle East.

In a whirlwind of morning tasks, I finished at the office to rush off to lunch with my mother and to take her to the airport. Missing out on a posh restaurant to have dejeuner, my brothers, my mother, the driver and I sat in a cozy airport restaurant to bid our goodbyes and to share a meal as a family. Time was not on our side so we had a small and quick lunch. Shortly after, while still sitting at the restaurant, I received a call from Manila. About 10 friends had gathered to bid farewell to another friend bound for Japan. They called me up and greeted me one by one. I was very happy and I felt so loved.

I received many text messages greeting me. I wrote them down for the older I get, the more sentimental I become. I received an invitation for a one gigabyte email account from another friend in the Philippines. For a person like me, who’s not only sentimental but writes a lot, that was a great gift.

Before ending work, I received good news of a vacancy from a UN agency. I was advised to send an application by a contact. I hope that it will push through and that maybe, it will be God’s gift for my birthday.

A girl could not ask for more on her birthday…so many blessings.

Ode to me…

8 September 2004
Geneva

I wasn’t keen on writing about myself but since I’m turning 24 in a little bit I thought I’d re-assess my life…But I won’t put you through that. Let me just recount my coming into the world.

It was Dec. 26, 1979; the town fiesta in Bicol, and the wedded couple, Amante and Grace decided to have some afternoon delight. Nine months later on 8 Sept. 1980, I became the second (of five) child and only daughter to this couple. Recounting from my mother’s stories…I was the healthiest – eight pounds of pure baby.

I wasn’t a difficult pregnancy (thank God) but I had a different entrance to this world. I decided to come out face first instead of the “normal” head first. Was that ominous of my intriguing nature? But two hours of “hilot” got me right out of my mother’s womb. And I came out on a pretense. My mom had been faking labor pains while sweeping the grounds in our apartment in Bicol (southern Philippine region) after watching a flick starring her favorite movie actress, Susan Roces.

“I’m gonna give birth,” she said, sweeping away. My dad, skeptical, didn’t pay attention. Then, it hit! Labor pains. Water broke. Called midwife. And at our apartment in Bicol, I came at 2 a.m. to be named P.A. (you thought I’d divulge my name? think again). I had the same birthday as the midwife.

Then began my journey as a wanderer and traveler of sorts… I only stayed two years in Bicol till we transferred to Quezon City. I only had seven years there before I’d board my first airplane. And I’d traveled many more…

my flute with its case 

companions...

07 September 2004
4:55 p.m.
Geneva

When you’re traveling alone in life, you look for companions that don’t leave your side. They don’t have to be human or people. They can be things and pets. Some choose dogs and cats, others musical instruments and pens and papers like my trusty notepad.

I have always preferred people to be my companions but in the absence of one or two, I resort to my writing. But if I’m really emotional, I take one of my musical instruments and play it. I am not very good at any one instrument but the satisfaction I get and the comfort I feel is like that of a friend who aids you in times of need.

Today, I played my ethnic flute. It is an instrument from the Philippine highlands whose sounds are as soothing as a lullaby. With every blow and with every adjustment to cover the three holes on its body, a different emotion is released. And if, as if, you are communing with the thoughts in the untouchable air.

The serene sound that echoes matches the stirring of my heart. With every slight beat, getting faster and faster, the soul of the flute matches with sincere empathy.

Some people find companionship in their CDman’s and stereos. I prefer the sounds of instruments that communicate my thoughts to ears beyond mine.

I have many instruments; I play one for each particular feeling – a violin for happy and saddest moments, a drum for joyous occasions, a bandurria for patriotic songs, a flute for soulful reflections.

I play my flute with eyes closed, my emotions dance atop the notes whispered gently to the air forming a carpet of feelings. They stay in communion until I stop blowing into my medium.

In the darkness, I see myself floating and flying sifting through the notes and like a canter pouring water, I empty myself in the consolation of sympathetic silence.

three beautiful musical holes 

my lip valley flute 

adieu 

farewell 

subtle goodbye 

approaching sunset at Pont D'Arve