mental sanitation

JINGYAHOO: i mean, write to enjoy. write to "live" life. write to document life's greatest pleasures and greatest miseries.
PA: and she carried her pained expression upon the back of the keyboard
JINGYAHOO: if you get good money out of it, that's just a bonus
PA: she painted with the keys
PA: her wrinkles, her sorrows,
PA: her most intimate ecstasies ... darn i feel like an erotic writer!

some people and i mean me, have a tendency to put things in a certain sanitized, compartmentalized way. it's the oc-ness in me. (read "aviator's" obsessive compulsive disorder.)

my friend jing damaso (read JINGPREETI) pointed out how my writing seems "too perfect" sometimes, removing all emotions from my writing and replacing it with a certain mental sanitation that can be counted among the very white white of laundries. in other words, so clean, you can't see what's behind it.

so, from now on, i will write more boldly not keeping what other people will say in mind and let whatever i feel out! look, dirty laundry all around.

for the people that know me, dirt is one of my worst enemies. but dirt makes the antibodies work. without it, we can die of cleanliness. so, i'm self-administering myself to some enemies so i can be stronger and in the end, keep myself mentally sane.

for those that may react badly to my writing and get shocked by following entries, i warned you! the gloves are off.

I'm FAT

You read it ... F-A-T aka Fabulous at twenty-five. My favorite wanton coined this for me earlier in a chat conversation. I thought it was a good way of putting my added kilos in a better perspective. Thank you, 'ton. May you always be FAT. :D

Sudden inspiration

The past few days have been filled with some sort of poetic stimuli that have made me write down my random thoughts on everything from waiting in line to clocks, to nightmares and practically anything. I feel like a beaker of words that pour my poetry into whatever could hold it. I have recently run out of "tickler" space and will start a new one for my on-the-spot poems.

The following posts are some poems inspired by recent events.

Waiting

I stare into the blankness of the night,
As I wait in agony over my plight,
The HOURS seem to p-a-s-s,
WithOut moVemEnt,
WithOut unceRtainty,
What will become of mE?
In France's visa line???!!!

Provocation

Swallowed, not quite digested
I feel something stuck
Some sort of emotion
Without release,
Nor beginning, nor end
A wanting, something to say?

Something to realize,
something to feel
But I cannot place that thing,
what is it?

Love, infatuation, desire,
sadness, tears, tragedy,
The workings of my mind
Lodged in my throat
It won't go down
No ideological or emotional wine
Unmoving, uncertain
Yet placed to provoke.

Waking dream

In my waking dream
I move closer to you
I touch you

I caress your hair
I kiss you
I want to do a multitude

But in my waking hours
It seems impossible, almost unreal
Like a dream, did I dream it?

I do not feel the same fire or passion
I do not know you
But I think of you in my dream

Did I dream you?

(Inspired by Borges' "Nightmares" in Everything and Nothing, 1999.)

"Complication" by Erich Fried

(Translated from German by Stuart Hood)

To see you only once
then never again
must be easier
than to see you once more
and then never again

To see you once more
and then never again
must be easier
than to see you twice more
and then never again

To see you twice more
and then never again
must be easier than thrice more
and then never again

But I am stupid
and want to see you
often
before I can never see you
again.

"vengeance"

that's the name of the book that "munich" was filmed after. it's an endless cycle of violence. a want for the redress of the death of jewish compatriots who were killed at the hands of arab terrorists.

but where does it all end? one side kills off the other to avenge the death of another. it never ends. and children are born and hatred seems to be inborn. it is a repeated pattern of avenging a kin's death, avenging the death of a loved one, avenging the motherland.

when does it stop? when does violence stop? a phrase my mom uttered is "when the wars of the heart stops, then maybe there could be peace." hatred in the heart brings catastrophies. and "ideological promiscuouity" gives it light. the character louis says, "i get my emotions confused" speaking of hatred, anger, etc. from one ideology to another.

working in the UN system makes it seem utterly useless sometimes when people take matters into their own hands, when principle rules above law and vengeance becomes part of life.

then again, hendrik, a diplomat says, "it's better to fight with words than physically". but how far will words travel if the guns have already fired their shots and blood has been shed in the name of principle which doesn't recognize international treaties but seek to give justice to that spilled blood?

vengeance ... it echoes in the ears of the palestinians that want their land ... it echoes in the minds of the jews that protect israel and claim it for themselves ... it is in every palestinian refugee whose land has been taken away ... it screams in our hearts for every hurt which we've been dealt. so, when does it stop?

is peace really possible with vengeance in our hearts?

FEBRUARY NA ...

Nalalapit na ang Araw ng mga Pusa, este, Araw ng mga Puso. Magsisimula na ang mga bilihan ng kung anu-anumang regalo at ang pagpaplano kung paano na nga ba pasasagutin si Inday. :)

Sa 25 taon kung buhay, isang beses pa lang ako nakaranas na kasama ang aking "mahal" sa araw ng mga puso. Medyo overrated ang araw na ito pero kebs, go with the flow na lang kapag may special someone diba.

Kaya sa mga merong special someone dyan, cherish every moment and that includes V day.

Advanced Happy Valentines to all of you!